Sometimes I wonder whether my life is really a mess lol..

I am a true disaster..

Hate the half half person I am..

its like one part is sensible, stone cold and heartless

yet the other is emotional and soft and just pure childish

Why...its a nice balance..but when I am caught in situations..

its like having a mini war up in my mind..

ARGHHH...so much things to do but somehow..

even though I am managing it but I feel that its not of standard..

Maybe I should think through about a lot of stuff..

Or I just need to find some time to chill out..

but I have no one to find to chill out with..

ok damn I kinda miss lihe..

lolx...yeah I need girl company

I know that I have kexin and pei yee in school

but we are just not that close..

see where being anti social lands you huh

its sad that some places its better if a lot of people go huh?

Seriously I need a vacation..

My 1st year will be ending soon and LOL I feel like 2 years have gone instead

its like I have done more stuff than my 2 years in JC

Something random:

Fucking Perfect is a good song to loop

Maybe I should just scream like what Patrick Jane Suggests

a scream a day keeps the doctor away..

Seriously if only someone like him exists and his wife will be like the luckiest person on earth ( if she didnt get killed by red john that is)

sigh...

Its 1am at addy's house and I am supposed to wake up like 630am in the morning..

But maybe cus just now I fell asleep from about 530 or 630 till 730...

Or the thoughts going through my head..

I just cant seem to fall asleep.

Damn I know that I have to sleep else tmr I will be like a half-dead zombie..but still I just have no mood to sleep...

Ok this is ridiculous but sometimes I wonder whether I am just being too nice just being too dumb..yeah yeah

I am troubled.

by what I am not really sure

I feel insecure right now

Maybe the main reason for not being able to sleep I guess

And Maybe..just maybe

I am a bit pissed off by Addy..

He said that He dun like/want people to worry about him..

BUT

HOW THE HELL DO WE NOT WORRY ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU YOURSELF CANT PROVE THAT YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF?!!

Look who is the one who tried to commit suicide..

WHO IS THE ONE WHO CANT EVEN KEEP HIMSELF HEALTHY FOR EVEN A MONTH???

COME ON

YOU ARE GOING TO BE FREAKING 20 now..

Grow up.

Yes I know its harsh

but really..

WHEN YOU ARE SICK YOU DONT LET THE STUPID FAN BLOW YOU WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT ON

SERIOUSLY..

Thats what really irritates me..

COME ON Addy, cant you love yourself more??

Personally if you take care of yourself it will be like a HUGE HUGE favor to me..

Damn I know that this I should tell him in person..

But looking at him sleeping so soundly and relaxing..I cant bear to spoil it since he is in army

ARMY MY ASS..

Sorry but personally I dont think that being in Army is a valid excuse at all to ignore everyone around you and think that things are just right.

And No THE WORLD does not revolve around you just because you are in ARMY..

And Sometimes I wonder whether Addy love his games more than me..I know I know I am being unreasonable..but I dun care..

BECAUSE NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME..

ALL THEY THINK OF IS THEMSELVES

SO WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER TO CARE ABOUT OTHERS AT ALL WHEN Nobody really puts in effort for me...

I dun want to be selfish..

But sometimes, I only have myself. And only myself to be with.

I miss my mum...I miss my room..

I miss Denise..

And I really miss the JC days..

Now look at me..

I dun even have a bloody home to go to

I dun even have exact meals everyday

My close friends are just not there..(Maybe I should just get more friends but who?)

My bf is in Army

I am just all alone.

Always thought that my world was alright

and was starting to think that I will not be alone anymore..

Its all lies,

In the end, it doesnt even matter

Ultimately I am still alone

And just not feeling anything anymore..

Dan..Hug me..

hug me because at least there is still you..

the last resort..

the sad figment of imagination I created just to ensure I stay sane..

I am pathetic huh?

Have to rely on a fake imagined person to comfort me when its actually just myself..

I guess..if I lose Dan..I may just lose my mind because no one can replace him..

not even addy..not even denise...

Nobody..

Honestly, maybe I should just break up with addy when he managed to get into uni so that I dun have to go through the pain of you being there but yet so far away from me. And maybe he can find a girl that isnt so complicated and a complete disaster like me.

I am super pissed off with Addy

SERIOUSLY..

Its just so irritating when he brings up the smoking issue..

I HATE SMOKING

REALLY REALLY HATE IT

its so bad that I am very sure I have a psychological issue with it

SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU

I am very sure you know better than anyone not to bring this up..

or NOT

Sometimes I really wonder whether he is just being super insensitive...

and the worse thing is that I cant scold him or tell him I am pissed off because he is not emotionally stable

FUCK

And telling me to smoke even one cigeratte is a huge insult...

Its like you dun give a damn about my health..

you dun give a damn about my opinions

and you never take me seriously..

I hope that you will stop it..

Because this may just be the reason why I will leave u..

Sorry..That is my limit..

I know I am being super selfish..

But its either me or smoking..

If you choose smoking..at least I know where I lie in your heart

and I can just leave in peace.

Yeah yeah I wasted so many years and feelings..

but what I want is a good future..

Not a screwed up one.

So its all up to you.

Dammit