Emo

Sitting down under addy's block damn windy...doing some soul searching...I think...I lost it..what is the it?Its the motivation to care anymore...I dont care anymore..Because I feel like I am something of a 3min thingy (in chinese)..I feel like addy is just a normal friend now..because it doesnt matter anymore..maybe I am similar to sand in a way..ya I am kinda fed up of the being warm to me at first then everything jus crumbles..its just not there..and when you say that by uni you wont be sure that I will be there anymore..the reason is not because I change my heart due to the appearance of someone else..Its you.I admit..I am being crap and all...but I have this distinct feeling that I may not love you as much..or is it the other way round?Its jus all changed..all changed..emo huh? but ya..

you used to say that you always dreamed of sending ur gf home
you used to say you miss me even if I am not there for 1 day
you used to reply to every msg I sent
you used to get shy..

But now...

sending me home seems like a horrible chore
I miss you but you dont seem to notice my existance..
My messages are getting ignored
Its all numb

"I love you" these three words seem to lost its meaning..it is nothing..empty with no feeling..to me..because you say them as if its something as easy as hello..thats all..nothing when I can just end it with a goodbye..and why shouldnt I end it?I dont feel anything anymore tell the truth..I dont feel appreciated..and as much as I want to still love u and keep you..I feel tired..maybe I shouldnt put in so much effort..maybe I am jus plainly wasting my time..you know something..we never seem to have any heart to heart talks anymore..I know nothing of how you are feeling about me totally nothing at all..a bit wasted huh?

But tell ya the truth..even keith seem better as the baseline of a friend..if you are a friend to me you can be considered one of the "I see you smile" thats all now..and if keith is only considered to be my best friend and me never to love him to the extend of a bf..where do you stand exactly?I dont know..Tell you the truth..I nearly said something just now..I nearly said lets break up for a while..because..I am no longer important to you..if you still want to keep me..make some effort...DO something..and impress me..I admit I never felt so disappointed with myself...listening to "In the end" as usual..is it because you didnt make the effort to chase me..the fact that you got me so easily that you dont have to give in much for me?

Even when I am sick..why during 1 day of mc...No msgs of care and concern..no nothing until I actually stepped into school?I am useful only when I can cheer you up..entertain you?..But what about me?isnt love supposed to be give and take?Why do I feel neglected?Why do I feel I am thrown aside to rot?It hurts a lot you know..is everything just a dream..or is it all a mirage..something I am never supposed to have...If i want to be harsh..I will really want to tell other people that I feel a bit ashamed that addy is my bf..

I think I really need a break...from you..from everything related to you..maybe...maybe if I finish folding the thousand cranes I will really break with you..because I dont want to feel bad about myself anymore...When you said you felt guilty that I bought the purse for you..something in me just got hit..I think it was my heart...you said its like you are doing nothing for me but I doing so much for you..so you realised?But so?Still nothing changes...nothing at all..action speaks louder than words..but you now have neither..

I think I have to think through this decision of mine..really think through and forget..I am sorry about this but ya...at least it wont hurt so much anymore..I just want a sense of security..but no i will never get it..because I am just too headstrong..just too myself..But no matter what..I am still a human..I still can get hurt..

*all this were typed in my worst situation listening to emo songs and the wind cutting into my cheeks...it hurts yes it hurts..but ya its the frustration I have been storing for quite long so very emotional hahas..now I am better..but...ya...it still remains as a scar on my heart...