Another sleepless night at Addy's house. Oh well sigh..maybe PMS is also making them worse..Lets seee..

I am really tired of fighting again and again with myself over the whole issue of addy smoking..

and sick and tired of caring because it just seems to me that he can never understand my pain and me not going to understanding his.

Nothing is working out for god's sake and I think I need a break from all this crazy thinking..Its driving me crazy...FUCK WHY DO I EVEN CARE?

I DONT WANT TO CARE BUT IT JUST BITES ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN

My heart just hurts again and again and its going numb

How many times have we gone over the whole issue again and again?

How many times have he decieved me?

How many times have I lost my cool over it?

And how mnay times have I forgiven him?

No one really is at fault, its just maybe the circumstances are just not right

and maybe I really cannot bear the burden of having such an relationship

Or maybe, I am the only one who acting like a fucking idiot and making sucha big deal out of it

I suck do i?

You have no idea how many times I wanted to just shake him, to just scream at him, to just tell him that we are through and all..

I HATE HIM but LOVE HIM at the same time

you know how lethal the combination is?

maybe it follows the same concept of smoking

whatever fuck.

Sigh...

So so so tired of it all..

I dun trust him anymore, maybe same for him too

so much for thinking that we can make it

because seriously I am starting to doubt it

I am just plain fucking pathetic.

argh whatever...seriously whatever...your mum is mad at you, you smoke...whatever la...sigh..all my efforts gone to waste....

I dont know why, but lately, I feel that I no longer love addy as much..and been finding reasons why I should not be with him. I know its unfair to him, but I admit, its the logical and selfish side of me. I really dont see how our relationship can last. Why? Cus addy has no foresight, he is still a child. I really dont need to take care of a child as my bf, I want someone who makes me feel secure, and willing to fight for me. by fight I mean, to do his best for his own future. How do I feel secure when he cant even deal with his family, dont know what he wants in life, and cant even discipline himself ( cleaning his room, managing his money/time and not even sleeping at all). And he does not take care of his health, ending up being sick all the time, and using it to run away from army, and waste money to visit the doctor thinking that as long as you can visit the doc it should be fine. I have stayed 4 years with him, I have enjoyed and suffered his company. However, I know almost all about him, but I see not much of an improvement. And also, I feel that in a way I bought this product and got cheated. Lol..because you see, the main reason why I fell in love was that I believe that addy will really love me because of his unwavering love towards yan ting. But in a way it backfired. His unwavering love will forever be with yanting, because he will not treat me the same in fear of getting hurt. But I have been loving him despite knowing I will get hurt real bad, why cant he understand that? Is it really true that the person who fell in love with the other 1st will lose. Guess I am really being taken for granted. I just want someone who will appreciate my love, understand that when I give it, I give it all. And that person can understand it and accept it, and not get spoilt by it. (and of course return my love too) Maybe that all happens in dramas. I am really thinking about whether being single is a much better thing. Because no one is worthy, or can stand my love.