lRuby~starwings

2011-11-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

Another sleepless night at Addy's house. Oh well sigh..maybe PMS is also making them worse..Lets seee..

I am really tired of fighting again and again with myself over the whole issue of addy smoking..

and sick and tired of caring because it just seems to me that he can never understand my pain and me not going to understanding his.

Nothing is working out for god's sake and I think I need a break from all this crazy thinking..Its driving me crazy...FUCK WHY DO I EVEN CARE?

I DONT WANT TO CARE BUT IT JUST BITES ME OVER AND OVER AGAIN

My heart just hurts again and again and its going numb

How many times have we gone over the whole issue again and again?

How many times have he decieved me?

How many times have I lost my cool over it?

And how mnay times have I forgiven him?

No one really is at fault, its just maybe the circumstances are just not right

and maybe I really cannot bear the burden of having such an relationship

Or maybe, I am the only one who acting like a fucking idiot and making sucha big deal out of it

I suck do i?

You have no idea how many times I wanted to just shake him, to just scream at him, to just tell him that we are through and all..

I HATE HIM but LOVE HIM at the same time

you know how lethal the combination is?

maybe it follows the same concept of smoking

whatever fuck.

Sigh...

So so so tired of it all..

I dun trust him anymore, maybe same for him too

so much for thinking that we can make it

because seriously I am starting to doubt it

I am just plain fucking pathetic.

2011-11-10T03:55:00.000-08:00

argh whatever...seriously whatever...your mum is mad at you, you smoke...whatever la...sigh..all my efforts gone to waste....

2011-11-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

I dont know why, but lately, I feel that I no longer love addy as much..and been finding reasons why I should not be with him. I know its unfair to him, but I admit, its the logical and selfish side of me. I really dont see how our relationship can last. Why? Cus addy has no foresight, he is still a child. I really dont need to take care of a child as my bf, I want someone who makes me feel secure, and willing to fight for me. by fight I mean, to do his best for his own future. How do I feel secure when he cant even deal with his family, dont know what he wants in life, and cant even discipline himself ( cleaning his room, managing his money/time and not even sleeping at all). And he does not take care of his health, ending up being sick all the time, and using it to run away from army, and waste money to visit the doctor thinking that as long as you can visit the doc it should be fine. I have stayed 4 years with him, I have enjoyed and suffered his company. However, I know almost all about him, but I see not much of an improvement. And also, I feel that in a way I bought this product and got cheated. Lol..because you see, the main reason why I fell in love was that I believe that addy will really love me because of his unwavering love towards yan ting. But in a way it backfired. His unwavering love will forever be with yanting, because he will not treat me the same in fear of getting hurt. But I have been loving him despite knowing I will get hurt real bad, why cant he understand that? Is it really true that the person who fell in love with the other 1st will lose. Guess I am really being taken for granted. I just want someone who will appreciate my love, understand that when I give it, I give it all. And that person can understand it and accept it, and not get spoilt by it. (and of course return my love too) Maybe that all happens in dramas. I am really thinking about whether being single is a much better thing. Because no one is worthy, or can stand my love.

2011-10-31T06:08:00.000-07:00

Whatever seriously...

I should really just shut up and stop complaining..

But its my only way to let it out within the shortest time..else what..you want me to beat up my boslter?

So much for being my bf..

Fine you wont know what I am going through anyway,

so when you go through it, you better think of the times when I complained and you just sweep it off..

I am still left alone anyway, on second thoughts, I rather you leave me alone if you are going to be like that.

Oh well seriously whatever, I really hate my life now. All the deadlines with work, with trying to get good grades, and trying to ensure my relationship is alright..

seriously, FML, and really, screw my relationship, why do i need one anyway?

I just need someone to save me, save me from falling

yeah I am stressed, and upset, yet you are not much of a help, yeah maybe next time, find someone who is not stressed to whine, maybe it will be better than talking to someone who thinks that they are miserable already. AND

SELFISHLY thinks that they are the only ones being miserable..

Sigh, guess I will be updating a lot...no choice. because no one else is there for me..

2011-08-18T02:52:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone,

I am really sorry that I cannot be with you and choose to walk down the path of death. I know that there are so many reasons for me to live on. However, I just cant find the strength to do so anymore. I am sorry for the tears that you have to shed for me because I am not worth them.

To addy, I am really really really sorry about how things turned out. Its just that I dont feel that I can help you with quitting smoking if you dont seem to help yourself, maybe you are, but I just dont feel it from you. Again and again you have disappointed me, again and again you have hurt me. But I still love you. This time, I guess its just the circumstances that resulted in this sad ending. Do you know how much it hurts to hear you suffering but I just cant seem to be of any help? Do you know that I have this feeling that I am just being taken for granted? You will never leave me until I do not want you anymore. I guess addy will be crying and hating me because I could have just told him I wanted a break up and that will make me free from being involved in his affairs. But you know that I cant break up with you, I cant leave you alone..because I love you so much. Your happiness is my happiness, your suffering is my suffering...Sorry for being so selfish in leaving you just like that, but I guess I am just not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

To my mum, sorry..Sorry for ending the life that you gave me. Sorry for wasting the time and energy that you placed into me, but I hoped that with the time I spent with you, those were happy ones. My only regret is that I cant earn lots of money to support you. I cant help you to break free from the clutches of my evil dad..Sorry that your girl was not the strong girl that you wished to bring up, because I cant stand this life anymore. Whats the point of life when all everyone does is look on the surface? I know addy may not look very impressive on the outside, but he has a good heart and he takes very good care of me. Maybe him smoking is a bad thing, but why cant you give him a chance? Is money that important? Maybe you dont have such a good relationship and refuse to believe in love anymore, but would it hurt to give your daughter a chance? I am already a grown up, cant you let me try? I know you dont want me to get hurt, but we all will get hurt in some point of time in life to grow up. Its the hurt and the overcoming of it that makes us grow. But I guess, this time, I am just sick and tired of being strong and so decide to run away from the hurt permanently.

To denise, thanks for everything you have done in my life. You are really a great friend. I know having me dead will mean you losing a precious friend but well we will all get over it and find someone else right? You will probably hate me for saying that, I know. But you see, I just dont have the strength to believe in anything or anyone, even god now. Why fight when you know you wont win? I tried, so many times, again and again. And now I am just scarred so deeply that death would be a kinder fate for me. And suicide will probably land me in hell so I guess I wont see you because to me, you should go into heaven for being such a great person in my life.

To darren and kenny, I know I know. You guys will probably be like murong why like that? You are so young and still have such a long way to go, why choose to die? Sorry that I cant help more in the growth of vox, sorry that I have to quit halfway just like that. There is no one to blame but myself for being so weak. And for that I dont deserve to have a name in vox, just next time try not to push things too much when its impossible to fulfill..And beware of the cricket people. And peiru too, I envy you and really looked up to you. I wanted to be a person like you, so confident, so cheerful, so strong. But I guess, I can no longer do that. And Andre who treated us like a loving uncle, thanks a lot. I learnt a lot in my time in vox and received a lot of warmth from you guys, but sorry that you now have one less manpower to cover events, and I guess a friend that really fight for what she believes in.

To the rest of my friends, really really sorry. Maybe my death may seem insignificant to some of you, but to those who relied on me, sorry for no longer being there for you. Peiyee sorry that you no longer have a person to talk to about sex and stuff..you are a nice and sweet girl who can go far as long as you try and make the effort to learn. Kexin, cool and sensible, I bet you never expect me to push things that far..haha killing myself is more of a peiyee thing than a murong thing huh? Sorry that I cant go through classes with you anymore. But well just take care of charlene, I know she is lonely and feels insecure in unfamiliar grounds of interactive media. Eugene, yes yes I know you tried getting me out of the emo stuff but well guess those quotes are not going into my brain. Take care of yourself and be less analytic and maybe you can get the girl you always wanted. To Lihe, guess in the end, I am the immature one. Hope you can get a better friend like me and also the guy that will suit you and love you for who you are. And being kiddish isnt going to work that well when you go out to work, so maybe you have to change your image a bit, but bleah who am I to even talk to you about image when I dont really care that much about mine.

And to all the idiots out there who screwed me, fuck you understand. Grow up and learn and stop thinking you guys are so smart but this coming out of my mouth isnt convincing being that I am stupid enough to kill myself..but still at least I finally get to say them in my last words..

I know with all the regrets, I doubt I can rest in peace, but I wish that everyone wont do something as stupid as I did and instead live without regrets and go to heaven unlike this idiot who wrote this, who will end up in hell.

And with that, I hope that everyone can move on with their lives and remember that there used to be a girl called murong who loved the world with all her heart but decided to die because of the betrayal by the world.

2011-08-18T02:44:00.001-07:00

Dear addy,

I dont deserve to have you as my bf. I am a weak pathetic person who cant do anything. I dont have the patience and energy to help you with the quitting of smoking..and I feel like screaming at you everytime you dont seem to try..

2011-07-19T01:30:00.000-07:00

My dad is a fucking asshole..

You see..I think my mum has changed for the better..

And she is much happier and has more confidence and courage

She told me that ever since hearing about so much deaths of people she realised that since one day something bad may happen, might as well say about whatever is in your mind and not bring it with you to the deathbed

2011-07-17T08:45:00.000-07:00

FUCKING IDIOTS WHO DONT USE THEIR FUCKING BRAINS..

2011-06-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

People should really learn how to manage their expectations. They expect sooo much out of us yet we are just quite new..HOW DO YOU EXPECT A PERSON WHO IS NEW TO THE THING TO EVEN JUMP IMMEDIATELY TO TV STANDARD??? HELLLOOO SERIOUSLY STOP BEING A PAIN IN THE ASS PEOPLE..FUCKING ASSHOLES

2011-05-18T23:19:00.000-07:00

Now that I think about it...

Why did I even suggest the stupid idea in the 1st place?

The one that once he gets into Uni, we break up so that he can try other relationships

Yes its true that I am sheltering him too much for him to grow..

but still...I am worried..and scared that he will leave me..

And his greatest weakness is that he can only love one person at a time..

I worry that once he finds someone else,

he falls in love..and then even though the girl may not be as good as me,

he dun have the heart to leave her and break up with her..

so in the end..I will be the one left alone because of the circumstances..

this is what I foresee will happen..

Once you hold on to love, you must really hold on to it else you may never find it again..

But I know he needs to grow,

he needs to learn..

And I have no choice but to let go, for his sake..

Selfishly I really dun want to let go..

But its for his good, its for his future..I will let go..

Its a super big risk considering the heart and effort I place into him..

And despite all the super hurtful words i posted here about him..

I have to say..

I really love him truly from the bottom of my heart..

For now, I think i just focus on my life

then await my impending doom..

lolx..

and treasure the time we have left till that fateful day..

2011-05-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

AHHHRHHRHRHRHRH I AM SO MAD WITH NTU

Sorry for that but STILLL

I PUT IN SO MUCH FREAKING EFFORT AND STILL CANT GET ADDY IN?!!

I AM SO INSULTED...

COME ON..HE IS IN A FREAKING SCIENCE COURSE

WHICH PART OF IT IS AN INDICATOR THAT HE CANNOT MAKE THE SWITCH TO AN ARTS COURSE?

SERIOUSLY??!!!FUCK..

Oh YOU MEAN I MUST REALLY USE MY FULL EFFORT?

SIAO

sigh.....I dunno what to do or how to break the news..especially when his mum opened his letter without consent...

FUCK EVERYONE..

SERIOUSLY WHY CANT YOU LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR SON?

WHY CANT YOU ASSERT MORE POWER OVER YOUR SON?
ARGHHHHHHH........

RAWRRRRR........

I AM REALLY REALLY REALLY MAD RIGHT NOW..

NTU LISTEN I KNOW RANKINGS AND STUFF IS IMPORTANT

BUT NOW YOU ARE NOT GIVING PEOPLE ANY CHANCE TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
I DONT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT GRADES..

ITS JUST SO NOT FAIR.

SO SO SO NOT FAIR

HATE YOU HATE YOU

YOU TELL ME...YOU TELL ME HOW MUCH OF THE STUDENTS IN ADM ACTUALLY DOES COMMERCIAL WORK.

AND NOW YOU REJECT ONE WITH EXPERIENCE IN THE FIELD

WHAT SORT OF LOUSY MENTALITY AND LOUSY SORTING OUT OF TALENTS YOU ARE?!!

OHHHhhh I BET SOME LOUSY GUY WITH ART WITH GOOD RESULTS GOT IN?

THIS FRICKING DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF THE EDUCATION?!

YOU TELL ME HOW MUCH STUDENTS IN ADM DROP OUT EACH YEAR..

YET NOW YOU ARE REJECTING ONE THAT WILL ACTUALLY BEAR THROUGH THE 4 YEARS OF TORTURE?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!

You guys rock NTU no kidding rock.

2011-05-15T22:01:00.000-07:00

Dearest Addy,

Yesterday I was crying and crying..upset over so many things..I really do hate menstruation..sigh..I am not as strong as I think..Things that really got to me..

1. You think that I am not making much effort in this relationship

That hurts so much..Everytime, I am the one who has to spend money and time and energy going over to your house. Its not like I got anything to gain from staying over at your house at all.. you don't get it..No one gets it..no one understands the pain inside me..no one understands the effort i put in..No one gives a damn about me anyway..Just leave me alone..I dun need anyone..more of I dun need any guys in my life anymore..love is fun. but whats the fun when the only person who seem to appreciate is me? You want to play and have fun, but at the expense of people's feelings..I think you should just grow up, but yet part of me tells me that there is no way to rush the growing process...Maybe we are just not suited for each other in terms of timing..

2. You say that I am too much in control of myself

This is unavoidable.. You want to test my limit..but I really dont want to..because I know that once my control breaks, I am a total mess. No it will not be filled with hyperness and honesty and what you think is within control. No. It will be sadness, the kind that can break your heart over and over again. I have so much negative thoughts buried in me. So so much. All my positive thoughts I always release them, but not my negative thoughts. You want me to show that side, but what if you cannot stand the consequences it brings? I dont think you can. Why? Because every time i have menstruation, a little side of that is shown. And you cant even take that side of me I seriously doubt that you can take it when I go haywire. What you see is just the tip of an iceberg.. Well fine, you want to test it, but DONT BLAME ME when you get hurt from it. Because once I lose control, I am an unreasonable, selfish and uncaring bitch. And I may just tell you to break up with me because of that. No you will never care about the consequences. And that is a fatal mistake

3. You want more surprises

I am not loaded with money. I have ideas, but I can only carry them in the form of small surprises..WHY CANT YOU SEE THEM? WHY CANT YOU APPRECIATE THEM? WHY? WHY? Sometimes I really think that you take me for granted. You take everything for granted and ALL YOU CARE IS ABOUT YOURSELF. YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. NOT YOUR WELL BEING, BUT ALL ABOUT YOURSELF YOURSELF YOUSELF...Selfish ignorant insensitive jerk. Sorry, but thats how I feel if I have to scold you. oh and add in unreasonable. I dont want to end up in scars from maintaining this relationship. Maybe I should really just break up with you until you learnt your lesson.

Screw it and I didnt study a thing for my exam later...oh and Maybe, I should just stay single for life. More fun that way. Less tiring too.

2011-04-09T20:42:00.001-07:00

this isnt emo but still..

Addy said to me that time when I was talking to him about english. (past tense present tense and future tense)

He was saying

If its past tense is I loved you

present tense is I love you

future tense is I love you forever

>.<

He is not exactly a sweet talker

but that was really super sweet..

and it really took me totally by surprise cus I was focusing more on checking whether his tense was right...

2011-04-02T08:29:00.001-07:00

This is kinda sick but I like being spanked and fucked at the same time lolx

It kinda sends shocks to my private part and it feels damn good >.<

Lol sorry I sound like a freaking whore..

but cmon people tell me who doesnt enjoy sex =x

No one really knows that I am having sex with my bf

haha guess I dont really look like the type

Oh well

2011-03-24T14:25:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I wonder whether my life is really a mess lol..

I am a true disaster..

Hate the half half person I am..

its like one part is sensible, stone cold and heartless

yet the other is emotional and soft and just pure childish

Why...its a nice balance..but when I am caught in situations..

its like having a mini war up in my mind..

ARGHHH...so much things to do but somehow..

even though I am managing it but I feel that its not of standard..

Maybe I should think through about a lot of stuff..

Or I just need to find some time to chill out..

but I have no one to find to chill out with..

ok damn I kinda miss lihe..

lolx...yeah I need girl company

I know that I have kexin and pei yee in school

but we are just not that close..

see where being anti social lands you huh

its sad that some places its better if a lot of people go huh?

Seriously I need a vacation..

My 1st year will be ending soon and LOL I feel like 2 years have gone instead

its like I have done more stuff than my 2 years in JC

Something random:

Fucking Perfect is a good song to loop

Maybe I should just scream like what Patrick Jane Suggests

a scream a day keeps the doctor away..

Seriously if only someone like him exists and his wife will be like the luckiest person on earth ( if she didnt get killed by red john that is)

sigh...

2011-03-23T10:05:00.000-07:00

Its 1am at addy's house and I am supposed to wake up like 630am in the morning..

But maybe cus just now I fell asleep from about 530 or 630 till 730...

Or the thoughts going through my head..

I just cant seem to fall asleep.

Damn I know that I have to sleep else tmr I will be like a half-dead zombie..but still I just have no mood to sleep...

Ok this is ridiculous but sometimes I wonder whether I am just being too nice just being too dumb..yeah yeah

I am troubled.

by what I am not really sure

I feel insecure right now

Maybe the main reason for not being able to sleep I guess

And Maybe..just maybe

I am a bit pissed off by Addy..

He said that He dun like/want people to worry about him..

BUT

HOW THE HELL DO WE NOT WORRY ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU YOURSELF CANT PROVE THAT YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF?!!

Look who is the one who tried to commit suicide..

WHO IS THE ONE WHO CANT EVEN KEEP HIMSELF HEALTHY FOR EVEN A MONTH???

COME ON

YOU ARE GOING TO BE FREAKING 20 now..

Grow up.

Yes I know its harsh

but really..

WHEN YOU ARE SICK YOU DONT LET THE STUPID FAN BLOW YOU WITHOUT YOUR SHIRT ON

SERIOUSLY..

Thats what really irritates me..

COME ON Addy, cant you love yourself more??

Personally if you take care of yourself it will be like a HUGE HUGE favor to me..

Damn I know that this I should tell him in person..

But looking at him sleeping so soundly and relaxing..I cant bear to spoil it since he is in army

ARMY MY ASS..

Sorry but personally I dont think that being in Army is a valid excuse at all to ignore everyone around you and think that things are just right.

And No THE WORLD does not revolve around you just because you are in ARMY..

And Sometimes I wonder whether Addy love his games more than me..I know I know I am being unreasonable..but I dun care..

BECAUSE NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME..

ALL THEY THINK OF IS THEMSELVES

SO WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER TO CARE ABOUT OTHERS AT ALL WHEN Nobody really puts in effort for me...

I dun want to be selfish..

But sometimes, I only have myself. And only myself to be with.

I miss my mum...I miss my room..

I miss Denise..

And I really miss the JC days..

Now look at me..

I dun even have a bloody home to go to

I dun even have exact meals everyday

My close friends are just not there..(Maybe I should just get more friends but who?)

My bf is in Army

I am just all alone.

Always thought that my world was alright

and was starting to think that I will not be alone anymore..

Its all lies,

In the end, it doesnt even matter

Ultimately I am still alone

And just not feeling anything anymore..

Dan..Hug me..

hug me because at least there is still you..

the last resort..

the sad figment of imagination I created just to ensure I stay sane..

I am pathetic huh?

Have to rely on a fake imagined person to comfort me when its actually just myself..

I guess..if I lose Dan..I may just lose my mind because no one can replace him..

not even addy..not even denise...

Nobody..

Honestly, maybe I should just break up with addy when he managed to get into uni so that I dun have to go through the pain of you being there but yet so far away from me. And maybe he can find a girl that isnt so complicated and a complete disaster like me.

2011-03-11T00:42:00.000-08:00

I am super pissed off with Addy

SERIOUSLY..

Its just so irritating when he brings up the smoking issue..

I HATE SMOKING

REALLY REALLY HATE IT

its so bad that I am very sure I have a psychological issue with it

SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU

I am very sure you know better than anyone not to bring this up..

or NOT

Sometimes I really wonder whether he is just being super insensitive...

and the worse thing is that I cant scold him or tell him I am pissed off because he is not emotionally stable

FUCK

And telling me to smoke even one cigeratte is a huge insult...

Its like you dun give a damn about my health..

you dun give a damn about my opinions

and you never take me seriously..

I hope that you will stop it..

Because this may just be the reason why I will leave u..

Sorry..That is my limit..

I know I am being super selfish..

But its either me or smoking..

If you choose smoking..at least I know where I lie in your heart

and I can just leave in peace.

Yeah yeah I wasted so many years and feelings..

but what I want is a good future..

Not a screwed up one.

So its all up to you.

Dammit

2011-02-25T08:05:00.000-08:00

Fucking hell..

I think I am obsessed with sex..

Why is it that I am always wanting it..

Nvm

Sigh...Sometimes I guess love can only grow more if a certain distance was kept..

Yeah maybe I should start keeping a distance away from Addy..

Honestly sometimes I wonder whether he treasure me or not..

Yeah yeah I know its not fair for me to be like this..

But honestly sometimes its just so hard for me to see..

maybe cus I am only looking from my point of view..

And the only time when I really know is when we have sex..

Ahhh maybe thats why I love sex so much..

Whatever..

Lemme be emo today..

No one understands me..not even Addy.

No one knows how a total disaster I am deep down inside..

And its all this stupid facade..

The thing is that I have such a huge pride..

So huge that I wont show you..

But even if I show you..you will never ever understand the pain and sufferings I go through deep down inside

I want to cry out my sorrows..

but I have no place to cry..

So I bottle it all up in this jar of mine..when eventually it will burst and overflow

What exactly is happiness?

I know that the cheery side of me knows it soo well..but its always complicated by me..

I hate this world..I hate this artificial world that is man-made..and so ruined by humans..

Music no longer sound natural, things become more complicated..and we lose sight of our origins..

We belong to nature, yet now all we do is destroy them..Now nature is taking its revenge..

This world is such a sad sad world..Whats there to hope when the end of the world will eventually come? Why are we coming up with so much dumb stuff when its slowly killing us..

Life's simple pleasures..what happened to it?

Its no longer simple..Its so complicated, its ridiculously absud

I wish that I dont belong in this world..

Maybe thats the reason for all these fantasy and virtual reality..

because we all want an escape..an escape to a better world out there..

The irony being most of the "paradise" they visualised is full of nature, no internet, no wires, no radiation..and without these most people rather die..

What a useless race..so fake..

People no longer want to be themselves..they no longer live as themselves..

All they care is to satisfy their selfish desires..

Or dwell in dumb beliefs..

Personally I think the world will be a better place if the human race was wiped out..

Yes including me..

I will leave with no regrets..because I feel happy for all the creatures that are safe from us..

However, now that you think about it..

The damage done by humans will take years and maybe even centuries to heal..

And the sad thing is that it may not be us that have to clean up the mess made by those before us..its all the next generations..

Then whats the point of living?

Whats the point of bringing innocent lives to suffer for the mistakes that we made?

And..Whats the point of loving someone when you know that there is a possibility of it all being wasted?

If I exist as one entity, I will be here updating my blog..

Its only because of the more humane side of me that kept me alive for so long..

but maybe maybe there will be a chance for me to end it all..

for I dont see the meaning in life...

Emo. Me.

2011-02-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

That was fucking good sex xD

Doesnt sound like the guai and seemingly innocent murong right?

Yeah i did say this blog was for my dark side/secrets I would not want to share with the world right?

Heh..

Anyway Addy is back and alive, good riddance..

and I am staying overnight at his house..and of course..

SEX

hahahahaha I sound like some perv but who cares?

Well..I love it when I am the one being in power and causing moans from him

but its always nice to be dominated

Even though I only came once, I have to say sex in the dark is exciting

and I taught him that there are more places to touch then just the breasts..

After all, I realised that my waist is a rather sensitive part O.o

Especially when it is being stroked..

Okok enough with the details..

Round 2 later..

Cant wait to let him feel pleasure beyond this world hahaha..

P.S I really sound super perv

2011-02-22T06:45:00.000-08:00

Love hurts..

Yeah..honestly every time that something happens which caused my heart to hurt..

I will have the thought to run away from it...

To really break up with Addy and live life by myself..

No one will know the pain I went through..

I had to put aside everything to spend time with him..delaying all my work..

I had to stay strong even though I am on the verge of break down..

And..when I stay overnight at his house..I cant sleep because of the lights and the sounds..

Addy always plays till super late..

I was really super super tired..and desperately need my sleep..

But I dont want to spoil his fun..

Especially when he did something that stupid..

YES sorry this is my emo and selfish blog..

Lemme vent it all out

Yeah its stupid because he never thought of himself, his family and me..

WHAT IF YOU END UP IN HOSPITAL YOU IDIOT

Sigh...Sometimes I wonder whether its because I let him off so easily all the time..

Now I have to rush my ass off to finish all those things..

ALL REQUIRING URGENT ATTENTION..

FUCK..yeah..

I know its unreasonable to blame him..

Because actually I can dun give a damn about him and let him rot and die..

But DAMMIT.. I cant..

DAMMIT...I love him..

and DAMMIT..

Because I love him..

My heart hurts like fuck..

I worry so much...and I AM the one worrying for his family..

DO YOU KNOW THAT YOUR MUM IS LIKE HAVING CONSTANT HEADACHES AFTER ALL THAT FUSS??!!

Honestly, I respect his mum a lot, especially since she treats me so nicely..

so thats why..I was super disappointed with him when he did it on purpose..

yeah maybe he was really in depression..

That I cannot blame..

But.. But..

I hate it when I am affected by my emotions..

I hate to lose control..

Yet you made me lose control..

Which is why I hate it..

yet I am so addicted to it that I cant let go..

And to tell the truth..

Love is the reason why I still stayed strong for you..

2011-02-20T00:24:00.001-08:00

I always believed that there are 2 sides of a person..a Good and a Dark side..

Being a mix of both ensured that you stay human..not a saint..nor a devil..

The Grey area

But there is no good without evil and no evil without good..

So this blog will only be dedicated to my deepest and darkest sides which I myself refused to face..Wont be much updates..

Please do not take these seriously and think that I am a super evil, selfish and emo person..its just a part of me that prefer not to show..because some things are meant to be hidden..

Emo

2008-08-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

Sitting down under addy's block damn windy...doing some soul searching...I think...I lost it..what is the it?Its the motivation to care anymore...I dont care anymore..Because I feel like I am something of a 3min thingy (in chinese)..I feel like addy is just a normal friend now..because it doesnt matter anymore..maybe I am similar to sand in a way..ya I am kinda fed up of the being warm to me at first then everything jus crumbles..its just not there..and when you say that by uni you wont be sure that I will be there anymore..the reason is not because I change my heart due to the appearance of someone else..Its you.I admit..I am being crap and all...but I have this distinct feeling that I may not love you as much..or is it the other way round?Its jus all changed..all changed..emo huh? but ya..

you used to say that you always dreamed of sending ur gf home
you used to say you miss me even if I am not there for 1 day
you used to reply to every msg I sent
you used to get shy..

But now...

sending me home seems like a horrible chore
I miss you but you dont seem to notice my existance..
My messages are getting ignored
Its all numb

"I love you" these three words seem to lost its meaning..it is nothing..empty with no feeling..to me..because you say them as if its something as easy as hello..thats all..nothing when I can just end it with a goodbye..and why shouldnt I end it?I dont feel anything anymore tell the truth..I dont feel appreciated..and as much as I want to still love u and keep you..I feel tired..maybe I shouldnt put in so much effort..maybe I am jus plainly wasting my time..you know something..we never seem to have any heart to heart talks anymore..I know nothing of how you are feeling about me totally nothing at all..a bit wasted huh?

But tell ya the truth..even keith seem better as the baseline of a friend..if you are a friend to me you can be considered one of the "I see you smile" thats all now..and if keith is only considered to be my best friend and me never to love him to the extend of a bf..where do you stand exactly?I dont know..Tell you the truth..I nearly said something just now..I nearly said lets break up for a while..because..I am no longer important to you..if you still want to keep me..make some effort...DO something..and impress me..I admit I never felt so disappointed with myself...listening to "In the end" as usual..is it because you didnt make the effort to chase me..the fact that you got me so easily that you dont have to give in much for me?

Even when I am sick..why during 1 day of mc...No msgs of care and concern..no nothing until I actually stepped into school?I am useful only when I can cheer you up..entertain you?..But what about me?isnt love supposed to be give and take?Why do I feel neglected?Why do I feel I am thrown aside to rot?It hurts a lot you know..is everything just a dream..or is it all a mirage..something I am never supposed to have...If i want to be harsh..I will really want to tell other people that I feel a bit ashamed that addy is my bf..

I think I really need a break...from you..from everything related to you..maybe...maybe if I finish folding the thousand cranes I will really break with you..because I dont want to feel bad about myself anymore...When you said you felt guilty that I bought the purse for you..something in me just got hit..I think it was my heart...you said its like you are doing nothing for me but I doing so much for you..so you realised?But so?Still nothing changes...nothing at all..action speaks louder than words..but you now have neither..

I think I have to think through this decision of mine..really think through and forget..I am sorry about this but ya...at least it wont hurt so much anymore..I just want a sense of security..but no i will never get it..because I am just too headstrong..just too myself..But no matter what..I am still a human..I still can get hurt..

*all this were typed in my worst situation listening to emo songs and the wind cutting into my cheeks...it hurts yes it hurts..but ya its the frustration I have been storing for quite long so very emotional hahas..now I am better..but...ya...it still remains as a scar on my heart...

sian

2008-01-24T03:41:00.000-08:00

Blasting my earphones out loud....
Trying my best to cover the hurting words
Just when you reach home,
"Such lousy results are expected for such a person like her..."
"She will never reach my standard.."
From my 2 dearest parents

It hurts so much..

Lihe wants me to go JJC with her, but I want to go ACJC..with keith
I am NOT being biaous
I am NOT in love with him
I just want to make a wise choice
JJC is a great place..but ACJC was my dream JC..

I am totally lost...dont know what to do

And to think that I actually laughed out of relief when I saw my results
And to think that I am not so bad after all
And to think that all my troubles will be over...

I am SO wrong.SO WRONG.

It feels like 'Welcome to my life' by simple plan..
To be hurt, to be lost, to be left out in the dark....
Why does this have to happen to me?!..Why?
5 days to make a decision..
5 days to choose a route...
5 days before it all ends..

miss you all

2008-01-20T06:14:00.000-08:00

Settled down in JJc for now. *Sigh, but somehow there is an empty feeling and I just cant fit in perfectly well with the culture there. Well, its not obvious with me being happy-go-lucky almost all the time, dumping myself with many things to do to distract me from thinking it all.

I miss...

Keith..haha even though we are in different JCs, we still keep contact regardless of games or sms (during sch time somemore lolx) Really really glad to know him, with him around its impossible to feel sad and lonely. I can go crazy being myself, crap, laugh and speak my heart out with his existance. Most ppl will give me the look thinking that I am in love with him or something like that. DREAM ON! Haha..and thats what I like the most. Between us there's only the purest of friendship, nothing else...Thnx for helping me go through the lonliness in jc by replying my crap messages haha

Roy...a bit bemusing to mention him here...but nvm...my second tablemate..crazy person, can go extreme hyper or extreme emo (okok kidding la) With him around is 1 thing...the next second we'll be frozen solid..haha..he is too lame..lame lame lame lame...even keith still calls him the gay..without him I guess the 3 seats on the right hand of 4H classroom will never be complete. The days of hwk copying, exam mugging, games discussions, bingo tournaments, laughing about craters on we-know-who and doing ******* stuff under the table (lol?) will never be the same..

The 4 special girls!!!Muahaha...cheryl, fengping, tuanying and brena...will miss you ppl LOTS and LOTS!! Well, without them I may just turn into a guy mixing around with keith and roy lolx. Hahas. They are close to me like sisters. Apparently there's smth wrong with the posting so this area loads without my words of thanks....But all of you ROCK no matter what!!!Cheryl being my personal consellor and msn chatting partner.FP your new hair rocks!! Miss all the lame+sick+cold jokes. Tuanying, miss u lots!! Always liked you presence! Brena, once my tablemate and friend,always my tablemate and friend..thanks for the entertainment in my sec3-4 yr haha

4Horrified!! Well, even though I am not extremely close to everyone there, I have to admit I had fun in this crazy class with all our teachers having headaches about us. So what if we are not the top class? What matters is that everyone knows how to have fun and have a great heart.Cheers!

Saxos!! Oh how I miss my darling saxophone..and of course, my juniors!! Tze teng, Constance, Sheryl, Kenny, Shengjue, Yikai and not to forget the two ldrs haha..Priscilla and Zihan. All of you make up one of the very important parts of my life in rv. The life in band haha..I miss tzeteng being sicko, constance being hyper, sheryl playing in alto 2, Kenny getting dudiao by me, shengjue getting lost with me in side reading, Yikai suaning me..Priscilla and Zihan's help offered to me..You know, when I went for CCA open house in JJC..I never forget to visit the band and try the saxo for fun..( I heard eddee went there for the 1st intake and pi**ing the ldrs there because of his Apness lolx ) I promised that I will visit you all >.<>

world's apart

2008-01-14T03:28:00.000-08:00

A chinese poem that speaks to the heart =P

世界上最远的距离

不是生与死的距离

而是我站在你面前

你不知道我爱你

世界上最远的距离

不是我站在你面前

你不知道我爱你

而是爱到痴迷

却不能说我爱你

世界上最远的距离

不是我不能说我爱你

而是想你痛彻心脾

却只能深埋心底

世界上最远的距离

不是我不能说我想你

而是彼此相爱

却不能够在一起

世界上最远的距离

不是彼此相爱

却不能够在一起

而是明知道真爱无敌

却装作毫不在意

世界上最远的距离

不是树与树的距离

而是同根生长的树枝

却无法在风中相依

世界上最远的距离

不是树枝无法相依

而是相互了望的星星

却没有交汇的轨迹

世界上最远的距离

不是星星之间的轨迹

而是纵然轨迹交汇

却在转瞬间无处寻觅

世界上最远的距离

不是瞬间便无处寻觅

而是尚未相遇

便注定无法相聚

世界上最远的距离

是鱼与飞鸟的距离

一个在天,一个却深潜海底

泰戈尔的诗《世界上最远的距离》

lately

2008-01-09T05:35:00.000-08:00

Well..been kinda busy so there is a lack of time for me to update >.<

LOL?

Okay..yesterday I was kinda upset and feeling bad about myself...all the funny depression feeling as I realised that ppl are starting to care a lot of looks in JC..makes me wonder whether my ideology on heart more impt than looks is worth it or not...also there are some disputes among a few ppl that makes me feel uncomfortable. I hate those sort of weird tension feeling between ppl. So was in really a horrible mood when I went to slp..

zzZZZzz

Then while I was sleeping, somehow there was a bright flash of light and I feel like I am not being me. Its like being controlled by smth and its really a creepy feeling with my hands and legs all tingy. I cant move either...Due to the ghost stories I heard lately, I guess I thought that I was being possessed (lol?). I was scared. However, I fought with that 'thing' (dun ask..I dont know) in my mind by thinking "I want to be myself..no matter what, I love myself and so go away!" Somehow...weirdly the force on me disappeared and all was well..the most scary part was that when I woke up to check the time, it was a few minutes past 12am.

Phew?

Well, I guess that there are many reasons for such things such as stress, yadayada...etc..etc. But, ghost or no ghost, imagination or not, I am glad for that to happen. Seriously, it got me out of the weird mood I was in and the lack of confidence in myself. To whatever thingy out there, I thank you from the bottom of my heart (sounds crappy). Thank you for making me realise that the most impt thing is the strength in your heart and the love for youself...=)

Food wastage

2007-12-28T19:16:00.000-08:00

My DAD again...yesterday he was yelling at my mum as she brought rice home from the childcare. He said those ought to be thrown away as it was not our property...

CRAP

This morning, he threw them out the rubbish cute while my mum is away for work. When I questioned him, he just laughed and said that ' I will say to her that I bought it so I have the right to throw it away.'

ITS UNFAIR...You cant just BLAME my mum about bringing home the huge amount of leftovers. People these days are starting to take things for granted. The teachers at the childcare RARELY eat the food prepared by the auntie and just go outside to eat. Its no wonder that there are so many leftovers and they have to be thrown away simply because the food could not be finished. My mum once lived in the era when food was scarce and rice was for the richer families. She brought home the leftovers and I dont find any fault with the food nor get any food poisoning from THAT. The irony is that my dad was considered even poorer than my mum's family in the past. I bet if that bag of food was given to him at that time, he would eat it all and thank my mum furiously.

Why did he changed so much?

Now, he give STUPID excuses and act like he got a lot of money which he DO NOT have..Look down on leftovers while there are still hundreds of ppl starving all over the world. And he even read my geog textbook....-.- not funny. All those chapters about the decline in food and the need to find more resources to feed the evergrowing population. Apparently, he is a sure failure in human geog. Thinks he knows everything huh?

Enough of the geog..the thing I am most worried is that there will be another quarrel tonight between my mum and dad. My dad is going to hurt my mum's feelings again...stupid...I really wanted to cry now...truly....

.....my father...

2007-12-28T03:20:00.000-08:00

Okay...I am in quite a bad mood...about who? My dearest father(sacarsm)
I know deep inside that I should not hate him, I should not hold any negative feelings about him.
However, I cant help feeling that he is an unreasonable git (forgive me for any words I used, cant help it) Its unfair that he gets what he wants from us simply by YELLING.wad on earth is his BIG problem??

1.He thinks he is the SMARTEST guy on earth just because he went to university.The most lamest thing is that he expects himself to get a nobel prize in the years ahead of him..(I am willing to bet$1000000 that it wont happen)

2.All talk and no action

3.Slacks around without a job for his 'company' leeching on my mum's salary

4.Views others as useless (me+mum+everyone else)

5.Suspects that everyone is plotting against him

6.Never minds his own business

7.Irresponsible

8.ALWAYS CONTRIDICT HIMSELF....

okokok..thats enough I guess, finish venting out my anger. seriously this is better than scolding vulgarities lolx >.<>

Computer problems

2007-12-27T05:50:00.000-08:00

Okay...In my tag, I mentioned that I will put up videos asap..Apparently, I am have a WHOLE lot of trouble with even copying the video files ONTO my laptop..(I am on the verge of screaming, so bear with me >.<) Sry altitee >.<...whenever I try to copy or cut or mess around, the laptop starts screaming about insufficient memory....jeesh..when i tried using my computer, it was all right until I opened the file. The hard disk went

BEEP!!! BEEEP!!! BEEEPP!

I tried hitting it but it just innocently blink its light at me and continued BEEEEPPPING at me...Out of shear irritation, I gave up...anyway, any video with my face should be considered as dangerous to any electronic devices.Reason? I am a serial killer..muahaha..here's my record

no. of earphones disembled : 23 (and counting)
no.of mp3's murdered : 4 (1st one was tortured badly..2nd still in one piece, 3rd went to the rubbish chute without its wires..4th lasted for 2 days and went for an exchange)
no. of electronice watches: 5
no. computers: 2
......

I shall spare you all the details of my rampage on other items. Thus, I have been bestowed the name of 'goddess of destruction' by my friends...

After ONE big round, sorry altitee..your senior cannot fulfill your wishes >.<>

last thing, in case I ever run out of crap to crap about, pls give suggestions on wad you like to read at the tagboard ( no limit cus I can change weird subjects in case smth happens, knowing some ppl hehe.)

No offence here hor.

Food poisoning

2007-12-25T05:49:00.001-08:00

Never underestimate the power of cakes. Here's my story (I sound overformal..)

I have nothing against chocolate cakes. It was that fateful day when my mum received a chocolate cake from our neighbour as a sign of appriciation (my mum helped to cut my neighbour's child's hair)
The chocolate cake was bought from prima-deli(edited..my memory seems to fail me) I think..cant rmb hehe..Anyway,we accepted the cake and thus it became my breakfast for days to come.. (supposed to..)

sob sob

Well, but ya I have this habit of eating less in the morning (due to the fact that I am ALWAYS late for school). So, the day I went to receive my Prelim results,I was LATE....as usual...So I nibbled a bit of the cake and dump it aside in its container.Had severe stomach ache the whole morning..thought that it was nth but a sign of starvation...

Sigh..

Went to Roy's house with Keith to leech on his internet (hehe) to play pangya and let keith zakuum..Gt a horrible fever..ate panadol..and went home at around 730 or 800 pm. Expecting a scolding from my mum.However, she was asleep. My dad told me she was feeling horrible the whole day, running to the toliet now and then+ vomiting...

Ouch

Well...so we concluded that the problem lies in the cake..and threw it away..My mum took about 3 days to fully recover..I recovered the next day (for the 1st time I am glad I have that funy habit) It was weeks before this case of food poisioning appears in the news

THE END

p.s hehe...Ironically, my mum, knowing that our family could not finish 1 whole cake, cut half and gave the other half back to my neighbour =P (feels bad for my neighbour >.<)

haiz

2006-12-18T01:06:00.000-08:00

silence
Ohana cass?
haiz
no maple..
chalet was nice..
but cass not much ppl go...
i wish still got ohana accept...
my dream guild?
family..home...nvm
OhanaAloha?
nice..but haiz
for now
my only wish
is for someone
anyone
to jus hug me
and tell me
everything will be
just fine...
tts my christmas wish
simple
but
impossible ba..>.<

Life

2006-11-28T03:54:00.000-08:00

Poem dedication (to my dear fren saken aka my Old ENEMY..jus jking ^^)

14 years ago
On this day
On this month
Her awakening
The stars were blinded by her
Short circuited one by one
The angels all sang their praises
with stone in their faces
The sun closed his eyes
Everyone stopped eating pies
The cow tripped over the moon
Trees start to kick baboons
Zeus caught the flu
Hades lost his glue
Jesus learn voodoo
Venus went boohoo
THUS
On this day
the earth turn into a zoo
In this month
She was the fool
Her awakening
WEEHHOOO!!!

Happy BDAE!! >.<
WIsh YOu THe BEst for everything!!
Soon and Never dying respect Anymore....=)
28th NOV -07 -168hrs miss u as my enemy
y you go tat sch?